Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Stories from Technology's Future

Sometimes your inner Onion just wants to come out and play.

At its 2016 annual meeting, Google announced a change to its corporate motto, replacing  “Don’t be evil”  with the catchier “Only be evil when it’s in our best interest.”  While some feel the change is long overdue, a highly placed source at Apple remarked, “Are those guys gonna copy everything we do?”

A poll conducted in 2019 among long-time LinkedIn users revealed that 79% still do not know why they use the online service.  Of that segment, 86% belong to three or more LinkedIn groups, but “don’t have a bleedin’ clue” as to why they do that, either.  Also of note, 57% of LinkedIn members who list themselves as “Serial Entrepreneurs” admit now to actually being unemployed.

Casting its journalistic net to the far corners of the globe, Fast Company announced in its February 2027 issue that, for the 15th consecutive year, Apple, Facebook, Google and Amazon are the four most innovative companies in the cosmos.  “How they rank among themselves, 1 through 4, is problematic,” said a Fast Company editor, “until we actually devise a scale for measuring innovation.  We thought we had something back in 2012,” he added, “but once we named Groupon and Foursquare more innovative than IBM or GE, it kind of shot the scale to hell.”

Despite an 18-inch rise in sea levels that has swept away much of the oceanfront property in coastal America, the Wall Street Journal again rejected global warming as “a residual fantasy from the Obama years,” saying in a December 2031 editorial, “The only reason we’re eating oranges grown in Juneau is that the Democrats won’t let us use the land for more productive human pursuits, like fracking, strip mining and deepwater drilling.  Such short-sighted, tax-and-spend, anti-capitalist behavior is far more destructive to the American economy than any silly notion that mankind is somehow warming the atmosphere.”  In an unrelated story, Journal officials have announced the relocation of their downtown offices to “higher ground in the Bronx” hoping to avoid the recent migration of copperheads to Manhattan.